It was a solid five hours on my first day home from the hospital after having Kaylee. Her dad had just finished setting up a small bassinet that had a small music player that cycled between 4-5 recognizable classical tunes to soothe the baby to sleep. We let it play and eventually this song began to play. I'm listening passively and then I focus on it. My chest felt like it was collapsing and this well of overwhelming sadness and suffocation burst forward that I had to leave the room. I hid in the bathroom for over an hour. I realized this enormous disconnect I felt with myself and the rest of the world and after nine ridiculously long months, it hit me that I was scared. I was scared and had every societal expectation thrust at me and I realized from this point forward everything I say and do puts this little mound of flesh on a path. I weeped and after I was done, I knew that something deep inside me changed and I could never be the me I was 45 minutes ago. Now she is here with me 7 years later and I'm still afraid but she's teaching me everyday. 

 

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